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      Private Messages   11/10/2017

      I have finally restored most of the private messages in a separate database.   Click Here and log in.  You should be able to find your messages.  That is all I have there for now.  Most images and files should be available..now.   You must open this message to use the link.
    • Rebecah

      We are still here! :)   11/13/2017

      It looks like all our hard work paid off, as we were not shut down yesterday.  Thank so much for all your help!
MaAlet

Let's Laugh!

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Rob's joke in the Shout Box gave me this idea:

Post your, good, clean jokes here. But first read all the site rules again : here

Okay I'll begin

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WOMEN'S REVENGE

" Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

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LOL!!!!! this isn't a joke, but it might make you laugh

I was walking with my friends one day, and we brought up the subject of her boyfriend, who happened to be my best friend. My friend was mad at him because she didn't want half the school to know he was her boyfriend. Well, he did a good job making sure it did happen. We hunted him down, and she got mad at him, and told him she was. I said, "You know, I'd be mad at you too." He said, "But you're <mynamehere>! You don't get mad at Caleb." I said, "That's what you think." He had this look on his face like, "SAY WHAT!?!?!" I made a silly face back at him. It was funny.

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hahah, those are funny! :P/>/>/>

What time is it when you have seven (7) hungry lions chasing after you?

(Seven after One)

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I love cats! That video is awesome..I can't think why people think cats are so dignified :P/>/>/>

Here's a few:

Once there was a dishonest painter who used to water down his paint far too much. One day, as he was painting the steeple of a church building, thunderclouds gathered and rain washed all his thinned-down paint away. Then followed a booming voice out of heaven, saying, "Repaint, and thin no more."

and

Library Anecdote:

Patron: "I am looking for a globe of the earth."

Librarian: "We have a table-top model over here."

Patron: "No, that's not good enough. Don't you have a life-size?"

Librarian: (pause) "Yes, but it's in use right now."

PS: I also loved the jump-roping towers. Thanks all :P/>/>/>

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Those are sooo funny! I loved the video of the woman with the steering wheel!!! LOL!!!

I always loved this one. I remember we first got it in e-mail right after my baby brother was born, but it still makes me laugh today:

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

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Oooh, Kay, I love that joke!

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

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ding dong (my updated verison of knock knock as it know a doorbell age)

doris

doris who?

The Door is locked, that's why I'm ringing the doorbell.

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:P/>/>/> Thank you, all of you! I can not stop smiling

This isn't a joke, but it surely brings a big smile to my face http://www.affinitysims.com/public/style_emoticons/default/wink.gif

They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium . With their rich maroon gowns flowing ... and the traditional caps, they looked almost as grown up as they felt.

Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears.

This class would NOT pray during the commencements - not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.

The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.

The speeches were nice, but they were routine ... until the final speech received a standing ovation.

A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone . He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened.

All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED!!!!

The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said, "GOD BLESS YOU, each and every one of you!" And he walked off stage ...

The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.

This is a true story; it happened at the University of Maryland.

Who says that our young are not smart ...

~Author Unknown - (www.2jesus.org/inspstories/sneeze.html)

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Just got to share this one with you guys http://www.affinitysims.com/public/style_emoticons/default/smile.gif

Jonah and the Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.

The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated a whale could not

swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

~ http://www.cleanjoke.com/ ~

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Lol!!! Oh wow! She turned that one around, didn't she?

Did you hear the one about the woman who begged her husband to take her somewhere expensive for a change? He drove her to the corner gas station.

How about the gas station sign that lists prices this way? Regular costs an arm; plus, a leg, and premium, your first born.

Posted Image

that one was from: http://www.danggoodjokes.com/

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http://www.affinitysims.com/public/style_emoticons/default/smile.gif I wondered the same thing Rhi. I just won't feel safe up there!

An Old Turkey Story

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his Thanksgiving turkey

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^^ lol!

A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

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Great Truths from Small Children

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.

They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

It's hard to unlearn a bad word.

Ask Why until you understand.

It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.

A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.

It's only fun to play school when you're the teacher.

Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.

Twelve is a lot older than eight.

Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.

Some nights it's not worth fighting over who gets the top bunk.

Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you.

If you don't like the birthday girl, don't go to the party.

Crawling still gets you there.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.

You can't start over just because you're losing the game When you're dressed up like a princess, it's easier to act like one.

If a tree had apples last year, don't expect pears this year.

One drop of black paint from the brush clouds the whole cup of water.

You can't be everyone's best friend.

A snow day is more fun than a vacation day.

All libraries smell the same.

Say grace.

If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.

Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.

Silence can be an answer.

Ask where things come from.

If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back.

Don't nod on the phone.

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You Know You're a Mom When:

1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.

2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

6. Popsicle become a food staple.

7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.

11. Your kids make jokes about passing gas and you think it's funny.

12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, Not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.

16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice krispie bars.

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PERKS OF BEING OVER 60

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

12. You sing along with elevator music.

13. Your eyes won't get much worse.

14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list .

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

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You probably have seen this before http://www.affinitysims.com/public/style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif/> I know, it's not the first time I've received it either :P/>/>/> but it's just so cute!

What Love means to a 4-8 year old . . .

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8

________________________________________

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.

You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4

________________________________________

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5

________________________________________

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6

________________________________________

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4

________________________________________

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7

________________________________________

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.

My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8

________________________________________

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

________________________________________

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'

Nikka - age 6

(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

________________________________________

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7

________________________________________

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6

________________________________________

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8

________________________________________

'My mommy loves me more than anybody

You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6

________________________________________

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5

________________________________________

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'

Chris - age 7

________________________________________

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4

________________________________________

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4

________________________________________

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7

________________________________________

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'

Mark - age 6

________________________________________

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8

________________________________________

And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

________________________________________

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Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet...

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush....

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This millionaire wanted take some of his money to heaven with him when he died, so he talked to God about it beforehand. He told God that he had lived a good life and all he wanted was to bring a little of his fortune with him. God finally agreed, but told the millionaire he must limit the amount to whatever he could fit into one suitcase.

The millionaire decided to make the most of it by comparing American dollars, French Francs, Japenese Yen, and every kind of currency available in the world to see to it that he fit the most possible into the suitcase. Finally, he decided the best he could do was to exchange his money for gold and place that in the suitcase.

When he died and arrived at Heaven's gate, St. Peter asked him what was in the suitcase. He told St. Peter that down on earth he had been a millionaire and that God had given him permisson to bring some of his fortune with him, as long as he could fit it into one suitcase.

St. Peter told the millionaire this was most unusual and he would have to take a look inside the suitcase before he could determine whether the millionaire could enter the gate with it. The millionaire opened the suitcase and St. Peter said, "Oh, yes. That's just pavement, please come in!"

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"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her 21 year old roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow, there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in under 10 seconds."

The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

post-59-1225233831-Bacon_thumb.jpg

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"Barney"

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

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Two Brothers

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.

Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

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Road Sign

A priest and a minister are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground. The sign reads: "The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

A car speeds past them, the driver yelling, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

There is the sound of screeching tires followed by a big splash.

The priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'"?

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One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city.

It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work. As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshipping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He says He's never been in this church before."

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A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

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