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      Private Messages   11/10/2017

      I have finally restored most of the private messages in a separate database.   Click Here and log in.  You should be able to find your messages.  That is all I have there for now.  Most images and files should be available..now.   You must open this message to use the link.
    • Rebecah

      We are still here! :)   11/13/2017

      It looks like all our hard work paid off, as we were not shut down yesterday.  Thank so much for all your help!
MaAlet

Let's Laugh!

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Sad News.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting too much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky in his younger years, he grew to be a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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A little boy was overhead praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am.

-----------------------

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings, at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.

Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:

"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."

-----------------------

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

-----------------------

EULOGY

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.

They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

-----------------------

Subject: Kid prayers

Dear God,

Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Norma

Dear God,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones you have now?

Jane

Dear God,

Who draws the lines around the countries?

Nan

Dear God,

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?

Neil

Dear God,

Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Joyce

Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway

Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God,

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Bruce

Dear God,

If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her.

Denise

Dear God,

I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

Sam

Dear God,

I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.

Ruth

Dear God,

I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

Elliott

Dear God,

I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world.

There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.

Nan

Dear God,

Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.

Rob

Dear God,

My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.

They are just kidding, aren't they?

Marsha

Dear God,

If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.

Mickey

Dear God,

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.

Sincerely, Donna

Dear God,

I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.

Charles

Dear God,

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!

Eugene

Dear God,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

Larry

-----------------------

Bill Gates is hanging out with the CEO of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.

Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure,” says the General Motors CEO. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?!!"

-----------------------

If Life Were Like A Computer:

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

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I love the kid's letters, those are adorable!

I'd like to point out that life as a sims game might work even more: You could just exit without saving, and fast-forward through the boring bits...but you wouldn't want to, because then you'd miss everything that makes life interesting! :flowers2:

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I love those prayers too; so cute!

A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear,"

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I heard this (approximately) at my college Alpha group tonight.

A mother asked her little boy to go outside to the shed and get a broom for her. He looked up at her and said, "But it's dark and scary outside! I don't want to!" His mother said, "Don't be afraid, Jesus is out there." "Really?" the little boy asked. "Yes," his mother said. "He's everywhere, and you don't have to be afraid of the dark, because He is with you, and will help you." The boy thought about this, and went to the door. From across the house, she heard him open the door.

"Jesus, if you're out there, could you bring me the broom?"

Turns out, I can't retell jokes. I hope you thought it was still funny :P/>/>/>

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When I was in year 9 at school (yr 9 = 14 years old, for people who have a different grade system) I started writing down funny things my friends and I said. They were either funny because they were stupid things to say, or just jokes someone had cracked. Some of them are side splittingly funny. Here are the best from Year 9:

ME: It's like defrosting a frozen chicken, except my hands don't cluck... and actually, neither does a frozen chicken...

FRIEND M: I thought Russia was in Germany.

TWINKLES: What?! No, Russia is a separate country, much bigger then Germany.

ME: And by the way, Asia isn't in Antarctica and America isn't a part of Europe.

FRIEND M: It isn't?! Then where is it?

FRIEND M: This weather would be perfect without air.

FRIEND M: You mean it's not a true story?

ME: No, it's a fiction book.

FRIEND M: Oh... THAT'S why the main character and author have different names.

ME: No kidding.

FRIEND J: Prepare for the unexpected and expect the unprepared!

FRIEND J: Would someone get me a stick so I can poke this chicken?!

Aaaaand those are the best ones. The one's from year 10 are better, my friend Sparkles is hilarious and that was a good year for him. I've edited out Friend M and Friend J's so people don't find them and laugh at them. They get that enough from us (well, friend J does; I haven't seen Friend M in a year, and that doesn't bother me at all).

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Hehheh, yeah, when Friend J still went to our school she was famous for saying really ditzy things. And talking more then a human being should be capable of. I'm not kidding. She went upwards of five minutes without drawing a breath.

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Year 10! These ones have been the funniest so far, and here are some of the highlights.

Friend M: War is itchy!

TWINKLES: My birthday is soon.

Friend M: It's in March, right? January, February, April, May-

TWINKLES: You mean January, February, MARCH, April, May.

TWINKLES: If only I could speak Vietnam.

ME: Vietnamese.

TWINKLES: Right. I knew that.

SPARKLES: On the Simpsons last night, Lisa met the son of Fat Tony.

ME: Was it a boy or a girl.

SPARKLES: ...A girl. Yes, Fat Tony's SON was a GIRL.

ME: Shut up.

ME: I think this cucumber is a zuchini.

ME: (The day after the last one) Hey Twinkles, guess what! The cucumber WAS a zuchini.

ME: You need to be round.

SPARKLES: Like a triangle.

ME:...Like a...triangle?

SPARKLES: Yes, like a triangle.

TWINKLES: I blame the Mongols.

ME: What's wrong with the Mongols?

TWINKLES: They ate my blood yesterday.

ME:...the Mongols ate your blood yesterday.

TWINKLES: Yes.

ME: I think you need to get some sleep.

TWINKLES: You might be right.

ME: That car is speeding.

TWINKLES: And talking on their mobile phone... the person in the car, not the car itself.

TWINKLES: Sorry, not today, you're too expensive... great, now I'm talking to a sandwich shop!

ME: Hmm, I seem to have left my ankle behind.

TWINKLES: Quarter to seven isn't tired.

TWINKLES: I shared the dux of the school with another girl - I mean, a different girl - I mean, I'm not a girl!

SPARKLES: Sure, NOW you deny it.

ME: (to Twinkles) Are you trying to be the King of Stupid?

TWINKLES: I'm not trying! Wait-

TWINKLES: That tree is talking to me! Wait, no, my name isn't Adrian.

Friend JG: We don't have Friday on Thursday.

TWINKLES: I can smell the sarcasm in your voice... wait, that doesn't work...

ME: (To Sparkles) You have to stay here. Find something to do.

SPARKLES: I'll invade France.

ME: You do that.

(LATER)

TWINKLES: What's Sparkles doing?

ME: He said something about invading France.

TWINKLES: Fair enough.

SCIENCE TEACHER: Okay, we're going to do chemistry again.

SPARKLES: Ok! Chemestry Take 2: Chemestry's Revenge.

TWINKLES: But you need a Trinity! What does the Lasagne leave behind?

ME: ...Pasta sause?

SPARKLES: We could do a creative presentation! Geordie can sing, Twinkles can do interprative dance, and I can change schools.

And these are only the high lights.

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Fansfriend and I are weird sometimes too. Like on Friday, she said something in this weird voice, and I replied in the same weird voice and we started talking like that for a few minutes and she said "Can we stop talking like this now?" in the weird voice, and in my regular voice I said "okay". That made both of us laugh. And then since we love Jasper Hale, when something surprises us or something we either say "Oh My Jasper!" or "Oh Em Cheese!"

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Welcome, kristenoh!

A Letter To My Cats:

Dear Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I can fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of other cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years -- feline attendance is not mandatory or helpful.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cats' back end. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

They live here. You don't.

If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"-niture)

I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and they don't need a gazillion dollars for college.

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lol at Kay. So very, very true...

Anyway, here are a few funny conversations and quotes that I have either taken part in or overheard since the school year began three weeks ago.

PRINCESS AND FRIEND S: *Argue! Yell! Bicker!*

GEORDIE: (from under a desk) You know, it's a little ironic the the sanest, most rational person here is the one who is cowering under a table.

FRIEND N: Wow! I just put Zoo (energy drink) in my tea and it tastes like tea then POW! Zoo!

GEORDIE: You put energy drink in your caffeine? You're going to half a heart attack.

FRIEND N: Probably.

SPARKLES: But it's green tea, so it'll be a relaxing heart attack.

PRINCESS: (in music class) So, who is going to be singing which part?

GEORDIE: Well, we don't know what the parts will be yet-

PRINCESS: No, I know that, I mean who will be singing the high part, the middle part, and the low part?

GEORDIE: ...You're kidding right?

PRINCESS: No, why?

GEORDIE: Because we have a soprano (high range singer) an alto (middle range singer) and a bass (lowest range singer) in our group. Who do you think will be singing which part?!

PRINCESS: Oh. Right.

GIRL 1: Just look at his (Boy 2's) face! Is that a face that would lie to you?

Boy 1 : If I look at that face, I'll die a little inside.

Boy 2 : Truefax.

GEORDIE: Princess, when teachers say to put something in your own words, they don't mean INVENT ENTIRELY NEW WORDS.

PRINCESS: Oh... oops.

SCIENCE VIDEO: When these animals were small, it was hard to tell them apart. Now that they have grown a bit bigger, we can identify them as a duck, a chicken, and a human child.

GEORDIE: Wait, what?! You couldn't tell the difference between a baby and a duckling?!

FRIEND CD: ...But only if you have noodles for lunch, or if you're a vampire.

GEORDIE: Sparkles, could you tell Friend C that I took what I needed from her bag?

SPARKLES: (Stealing bubblegum from Friend C's Bag as we spoke) So have I.

PRINCESS: I like the gold robot that is a chair.

GEORDIE & TWINKLES: http://www.affinitysims.com/public/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif/> :P/>/>/> Buh?

PRINCESS: I just continued a conversation I was having in my head out loud, didn't I.

TWINKLES: You must have, because that had nothing to do with what was going on out here.

PRINCESS: Darn.

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Teacher: So why was the red beetle eaten?

Girl: Because it stood out more, so the predators were all OM NOM NOM.

Teacher:

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In a small town, a person decided to open up a brothel, which was right opposite to a church. The church & its congregation started a campaign to block the brothel from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.

Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning

struck the brothel and it was burnt to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till

the brothel owner sued the church authorities on the grounds that the church through its congregation &

prayers was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his brothel, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons for the act of God.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

'I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a brothel owner who

believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church that doesn't..'

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I was playing Sims 3 one night and my nephew was peeking over to watch what I was doing. After a while I felt the need to use the bathroom but my nephew refused to let me off as he was leaning against my shoulders. I told him that I really needed to go but he told me, "Aunt, go use the bathroom inside." While he was speaking; he pointed his index finger at my laptop screen. http://www.affinitysims.com/public/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif/>

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I was playing Sims 3 one night and my nephew was peeking over to watch what I was doing. After a while I felt the need to use the bathroom but my nephew refused to let me off as he was leaning against my shoulders. I told him that I really needed to go but he told me, "Aunt, go use the bathroom inside." While he was speaking; he pointed his index finger at my laptop screen. http://www.affinitysims.com/public/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif/>

You know, Louisa, sometimes Sims get real for me, too.

I just found this forum - what great fun. My son has gone to bed, I hope I didn't wake him hee-hawing in here.

I have some instructions from a military manual:

"If the Enemy is in range, so are you."

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A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

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http://www.affinitysims.com/public/style_emoticons/default/happyhappy.gif

Here's one I heard when I was 9-year-old

One afternoon an old lady who has poor eyes sight aboard a bus. She wanted to visit her friend and because of her poor eyes sight; she asked the bus driver what place is that whenever the bus stop.

Bus stopped the first time after the old lady aboard.

Old lady (poking the bus driver with her umbrella): What place is this?

Bus driver: Dover Road

Journey continue and the bus stopped for the second time.

Old lady (poking the bus driver again with her umbrella): What place is this?

Bus driver: Commonwealth Road

Continue again and stopped for the third time.

Old lady (poking the bus driver with her umbrella the third time): What place is this?

Bus driver (feeling irritated but still reply politely): Lavender Avenue

The bus journey on and stopped for the fourth time.

Old lady (poking the bus driver with her umbrella the fourth time): What place is this?

Bus driver (feeling annoyed and tried to control his speech): ORCHARD STREET 

The bus journey on again and stopped for the fifth time.

Old lady (poking the bus driver with her umbrella the fifth time): What place is this?

Bus driver (can't control himself any longer burst out): LADY THAT IS MY BUTTOCK!!!!

http://www.affinitysims.com/public/style_emoticons/default/yrofl.gif http://www.affinitysims.com/public/style_emoticons/default/yrofl.gif

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After Megan and me talking about it during gym, we told Michael that his socks were untied and he looked down. He then tricked Kierra with that. It was absolutely hilarious.

Today, I also decided to be funny and trick Megan during lunch...

Me: Megan, your epidermis is showing.

Megan (looking at herself) : What? HUH? Where?

Me: *laughs crazily* Megan..You epidermis is your skin!

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lol! I love that joke, Louisa. Poor bus driver http://www.affinitysims.com/public/style_emoticons/default/smile.gif

And fan, I've played that trick or something like it so many times that all my friends caught on. http://www.affinitysims.com/public/style_emoticons/default/smile.gif My suggestion? When they get used to 'epidermis', change to a word in another language. It'll take a while for it to catch on. http://www.affinitysims.com/public/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif/>

I have a few more funny quotes from my own life, if no one minds! (and if you do, let me know and I'll cut it out :)/>/>/> ).

My teacher Mr. H is a laugh riot. He's one of the smartest people I've ever met (and most of the teachers agree the man is a genius) and he's so funny. As a consequence, everyone in the class cracks jokes constantly. Here are a few of my favourites.

Mr. H: (Jokingly) Wasn't that exciting? Who here needs to take a moment to compose themselves? (About six hands raise in jest, mine included) Who here is a consummate liar? (Same hands raise)

Mr. H: Aristides just disappeared. We don't know where he is. Well, obviously he isn't around anymore, this being in 470BC-

Girl M: (Accusingly) Mr. H, are you Aristides?

Mr. H: (To a student whose name is Honey) Here you go, Honey. And I wasn't calling you 'honey', that would be inappropriate. As a teacher I have to (starts laughing) uphold the dignity of the profession... (dissolves into laughter) If teaching, as a profession, needs me to uphold it's dignity it's got some proble-ANYWAY! Athens. They joined with Argos. You might guess, I didn't take my special medicine this morning. (Insane laughter) Don't worry, I won't forget... who are you people? (Looks around confused for a few seconds) Oh yes! Athens...

In that class, I ended up having an absolutely insane conversation with another couple of kids. This isn't all of it - it went on for about 15 minutes - but these are the ones I remember. (Boy R was kidding, of course, but he said it all with such a straight face that it was hilarious.)

Girl J: What did Themistocles do?

Boy R: Wasn't he the guy who looked at things and turned them to gold?

Geordie: ...no. No, that's a strange combination of King Midas and Medusa.

Boy R: Oh. Was he that guy who invaded Poland?

Geordie: Nope, that was Hitler.

Boy R: Oh. Was he that dentist who wouldn't show his face on TV?

Geordie: I think that guy's name was Robyn.

Boy R: Oh, was he-

Geordie: No. That was a preemptive no.

Girl J: Okay, so who was Pausanias?

Geordie: A Spartan general.

Boy R: I thought he was that guy who owned a chocolate factory that was run by little orange men?

Geordie: Actually, can I change my answer to that? I dare you to write it in an essay.

Girl J: Well, who was Alcibiades?

Boy R: Oh, I remember about him! He and Lysander, they were from rival families, but they were in love, so Lysander took a potion-

Geordie: I like that the Spartan General is playing Juliette-

Boy R: ... And Alcibiades thought he was dead. Very tragic.

These next ones (last few, I promise!) were all from my literature class:

Geordie: I don't like leaving my comfort zone. It's cold out there and there are wolves.

Geordie: (In regards to a character from Frankenstein who spouts too much exposition) What's his name again? Walton something?

Girl S: I think Walton is his last name, his first name is... Mark? Robert?

Geordie: Screw it. From now on his name is Mr. Walton Exposition.

This girl, Girl A, is very smart, but she has a limited vocabulary. So, in order to get her (usually very good) point across, she has to resort to some pretty outlandish methods of communication. Her ranting is one of the high lights of Literature for me. (I'm not sure how to get her... unique syntax across, but I'll try)

Girl A: The men went off and learnt, and the women stayed home and had babies and... eat, and... build, clothes? And that's not cool.

Girl A: Because they don't interact with anyone outside their family, except Justine who was ...their pet... girl.

Girl A: ...'cause their family is all smooshed together, but in a good way, while the other family is all (waves her arms around madly)

Girl A: And the monster didn't get taught how to think... good, except when he went "RAAAUUUUGHHH!!!" (Yes, she yelled like a monster in the middle of class).

Girl A is fantastic.

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Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with

profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently

saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could

think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and

put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,

I quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and

actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and

I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and

unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic

change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

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