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Whose There?

A burglar broke into

a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for

valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're


The burglar nearly

jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard

nothing more , he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo

out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he


'Jesus is watching


Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,

looking for the source of the voice. His flashlight beam came to rest

on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then

squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn

you that he is watching you.'

The burglar

relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the

world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the


'Moses?' the burglar

laughed. 'What kind of people would

name a bird Moses?'

'The same kind of people who would name

their Rottweiler 'Jesus.'

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Long time ago in an ancient village; there lived three wise men who have disabilities. One was a hunchback; one was a one-eyed and one has a limp on the right leg. All three of them were very afraid that others will get to know about their disabilities; so they tried very hard to avoid crowded places.

One morning; their grocery has run out and they needed to go to the market but were very afraid. Being wise; these three men think of a way to solve their problem.

All three men went out and as soon as they were near to the market; the man who has a hunchback started to draw a line on the ground. He continued until he was out of sight.

The one-eyed man covered his one-eyed with his hand and said, "Let me check whether your line is straight. He followed the line and was soon out of sight.

The man who has a limp on his right leg shout behind as the hunchback and the one-eyed were out of sight, "Let me help you to clear this line!". He dragged his right leg along the line and was soon out of sight.

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A little girl return home and ran towards her daddy.

Girl: Daddy, today I found a ten dollar note on the floor but I returned it to the person.

Daddy: Good girl! Did the person thanked you for it.

Girl: No because he pulled my ears and I have no choice but to return the money.

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Forgive Your Enemies

The sermon was -- Forgive Your Enemies.

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

Eighty percent of the congregation held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the minister asked.

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-Eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, tapped the mike to make sure it was working and said: "I outlived all those jokers."

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The same little girl return home one day and asked her Daddy.

Girl: Daddy, what must we do to live in big house?

Daddy: You must study hard now so that you can earn more money when you grow up. Then we can live in big house.

Girl paused for a while: Then why didn't you study hard when you were young and earn more money?

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Now that is Friendship!

Vincent walks into a bar in Pretoria, orders three pints of Black Label

and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it

would taste better if you bought one at a time." Vinn replies, "Well, you

see, I have two friends. One is in Polokwane, the other in Lebowakgomo,

and I'm here in Pretoria. When I left home, we promised that we'd drink

this way to remember the days we all drank together." The bartender admits

that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

Vinn becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he

orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each

of them in turn.

Then one day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the

bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I

don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences

on your great loss."

Vinny looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawn in his eye and he

laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."

"...I've quit drinking!"

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Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events:

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!" This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of The cake.. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home..

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"

Alice , still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

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On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?.

"No," said the little boy.............."It's a puppy!"

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Oh, my - must be careful what you say - right. And thanks for the heads up on what not to say.

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This is NOT a joke!

I was browsing online for Macadamia Nuts and found this:

Posted Image

Spam has been a favorite in Hawaii since its introduction to the islands during World War II . Hawaii is one of the largest consumers of Spam in the nation. The blend of the iconic Spam flavor with Hamakua Macadamia Nut Company's 100% Hawaiian macadamia nuts was like a natural event that was bound to happen sooner or later. The savory, slightly salty, smoky flavor is fantastic. This flavor is a totally vegetable based and yet it has the great taste of Spam. Don't leave Hawaii with out it.

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Two atoms walk into a bar. One of them says : "I've lost my electrons!". The other one responds: "Are you sure?". The first atom says : "I'm completely positive!"

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A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.

Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties..

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."


Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

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Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you."

"Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of God. It must not be changed.


"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."


The Pope responds, "My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."


The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.....we will donate $500 million---that's half a billion dollars to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." And the Nescafe guy leaves.....


The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million"

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.



"We're losing the Wonderbread account."

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No jokes this time....these are true stories.


When Dave and I first started out we couldn't afford our own place. He moved to be with me and hadn't yet found a job. We rented a room in the basement of a girl I worked with. I am not in the habit of closing my bedroom door. Back then I had a cat and he would sometimes need to use the litter box in the middle of the night. One night I got up to go to the bathroom and walked smack dab into a closed door!! Who the heck shut this door, I yelled. I know Dave was awake, but he pretended to be sound asleep. I had such a lovely bump and bruise on my forehead.


We have not shut a bedroom door since then..


Dave has a daughter, (we no longer have any contact). She was 2 or 3 and badly mangled the english language. I just loved what she tried to say.




As she grew up I would box the clothes that no longer fit, but I was not permitted to give them away.

I was told this--"When I get little again, they will fit me."


Not ever having children of my own I considered myself very fortunate to have never been put into the position of having to have "that talk" with a child.

Dave also has a step-son who is 5 years older than his sister. When the kids were 5 and 10, their mother became pregnant. I just assumed that she explained it to the kids. So one day when Dave and his daughter were playing outside, the boy asked if we could have a chat. I had no idea what was coming...or I probably would have run for the hills. Very calmly and matter of factly he told me he knew all about the "sex" thing, yep, thought I dodged the bullet there!

Nope, I was wrong. He did understand the basics, but he just couldn't figure out when this momentous occasion took place because he was "always" home.

So after I picked myself up off the floor and shook the cobwebs out of my brain, I did the only thing I could do. I told him the truth.....I had no idea either because I wasn't there.


Bedtime was always this big production. One story would lead to one more and then just one more......

By this time, Dave was working and we finally had an apartment. Only a two bedroom one, so the kids had to share a bedroom. We had bunkbeds and the boy slept on the top and the girl slept on the bottom. She had a habit of crawling out of bed in the middle of the night and coming into our bed. I didn't want her falling and hurting herself which is why she slept on the bottom.

This particular night, the boy was giving us such a hard time about going to sleep. We pointed out he had a night light, his sister was in the bed below and he was not alone, at least not technically. He wasn't buying any of our supposedly well thought out replies. He just gave Dave this look and then said. "You don't sleep by yourself, Dad."

I did the most reasonable thing there was to do....I left the room and let Dave handle that one all by himself.

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I did a Sim of my grand daughter, Amalia, her mother loved it but Amalia hated it.

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